Iyer Wedding Rituals - Simplified
Harish Ganesh,
son of Mr.V.Ganapathy (Carritt Moran, Cochin)
& Mrs.Rajam Ganapathy
married
Anuradha Parameswaran,
daughter of Mr.V.Parameswaran (Capital Group, Thrissur)
& Mrs.Radha Parameswaran
on June 27,1996
at Kousthubham Kalyana Mandapam, Thrissur.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is my attempt at trying to explain Iyer marriages. It is not in any way authoritative and is written with the intention of making the readers understand the rituals involved in a typical Iyer wedding.
I have used the photos taken during my engagement and marriage.
None of the shloka meanings have been explained in full.
Please refer to: iyer-marriages-rules-and-rituals for better understanding of intricacies.Author would like to specially thank Sri.Karthik Sarma, Edapally Samooham Vadhyar, Ernakulam, Kerala for clearing her doubts.
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Prologue
Kalyanam = Marriage
This word is also found in Ancient Vedas as kalyani, kalyana and it means auspicious.
Kal = prosperous , good
Yana = auspicious
Therefore, Doubly Auspicious or Mangalam.
Marriages in Hindu tradition are the union of 2 individuals for the support of both to attain the purpose of life - Dharma , artha and Kama or Duty, Purpose and Physical desires.
Each person is born with 3 Runas or debts - one to the Rishis (sages), one to the devas (gods) and other to the pitr (forefathers). Each person MUST try to repay these loans in full to attain Moksha (ultimate Liberation). The Rishis can be assuaged with the Vedas, the Devas with Yagna and Pitr with Progeny.
When an Upanayanam is conducted for a young boy, he takes the first step towards education. This is called Brahmacharya - the sole pursuit is of Knowledge. The number of strings in his Yagnopaveetha is 3 - tied together with a 'brahma kettu'.
The next step in his life is to get a suitable -SAHADHARMINI - an equal partner who will accompany him in his further pursuits of liberation. She is his Dharma. She is his Artha. She is his Kama. He increases & doubles the number of the strings in his Yagnopaveetha during the course of marriage.
The young girl on her part becomes a woman and agrees to help him in his endeavours. She says she will be his guide on his path of Dharma which will lead him to artha or purpose of life. And agrees to bear his children.
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Rituals before Marriage
The rituals start much before the actual marriage. Traditionally, the girl's and boy's horoscopes (jathakam) are matched, the families 'investigate' the alliance/families. If both sides approve, then the boy goes to see the girl with his family (including many elders) on an auspicious day, post lunch. This is ponnu parkkal (literally, girl-seeing). The boy's side is served bhajji, kesari and coffee by the girl and the serving opportunity would be the only time the boy and girl see each other. Remember, this is the pre-photo era ritual. After this is the marriage fixed.
This shows the importance family is given in Iyer tradition. Marriage is not between just a boy and a girl, but it is the intertwining of 2 different families.
In the modern age, this ceremony has been almost culled. Thanks to technology!
The official marriage fixing ceremony is called Udvaha Mangala Vang nishchaya Phala Pradanam or simply Nichayathartham. The parents and relatives (including all elders) of the girl go to the house of the boy bearing traditional auspicious items like coconut, betel leaf, betel nut, flowers, fruits, sweets and (now a days) gold. The priest does a small pooja to Lord Ganesha and there is exchange of plates containing the auspicious items. The date of marriage is fixed and the priest reads out the '(lagna) pathrikai' which gives the details of the boy's and girl's parents, grandparents, date of marriage, venue, and muhurtham (auspicious time) at which the boy and girl will become husband and wife by the tying of the mangalsutra / taali / sacred thread.
My father and his 2 elder brothers give a tamboolam to the groom's side.
My father accepts the chandanam kumkumam offered my my father-in-law.
My mother accepts the chandanam kumkumam offered my my mother-in-law.
My athai (father's sister) gives new dress to my would-be.
His sister gives me new clothes.
My brother (studying in std.8 at that time) welcomes the groom.
Getting aashirwadom from the elders and priests.
Candid Photo...circa 1997!
Once the invitation cards are printed, the first invitation always goes to the Family God or "Kula deivam". Next to the Grama Deivam and then to the Kula Guru. Then a copy is presented by the bride's side to the groom's and vice-versa. After this only, it is despatched to all the friends and relatives.
Sumangali Prarthanai is conducted by the bride's side before the marriage as the girl is leaving the family. This function is conducted after the marriage by the groom's side as a new girl has entered the family.
DAY 1
The house of both the bride and groom are decorated with mango leaves, a huge makeshift 'pandal' (tent?) is put and 2 'vazha maram' (banana plant) are placed at the gate to welcome all guests and to show signs of prosperity.
The marriages are now conducted in Marriage halls and is a 2 day function. My grandparents marriage was a 7 day long one conducted in my grandmother's house.
Iyer marriages are a feast for all senses. There is loud music played by Nadaswaram in different octaves, there are flowers decked everywhere, the 'homam' or sacred fire is piled with ghee and 'agni deva' bears witness and acts as messenger to all the rituals. One cannot miss the ladies and girls dressed in beautiful kanchipuram sarees, with amazing ornaments and wearing lots of jasmine flowers on their hair. The smell of sumptuous feast being prepared adds to the atmosphere. A very festive atmosphere.
The rituals might seem long and tedious, but each has a special significance which this author will try to explain as best as she can. The core marriage rituals are Vedic with lots of shlokas chanted and these are accompanied by a lot of other rituals that are ‘loukika’ (wordly/added during the course of time).
The bride's side arrives first at the 'mandapam' (marriage hall).
The bride would have left home after getting blessings from all her elders and paying her respects to her Gods and departed souls.
And everyone gets ready for the groom's arrival.
My mami (mother's brother's wife) is flanked by my periammas (my father's elder brothers wives) to welcome the groom & his family to the mandapam.
(Kousthubham, Thrissur,Kerala)
The groom too leaves his home after seeking all the blessings of his elders.
Harish seeks blessings from his mamas (mother's brothers)
and his Chitappa, Chithi
(his mother's younger sister and husband)
Offering
of Tamboolam and aarathy are performed.
The groom is welcomed by my cute brother and my mother. My athai paati (my maternal grandfather's sister) and my mom do aarathy.
Chief Priest Sri.Trikkur Vaidyanatha Sarma.
Chief Priest Sri.Trikkur Vaidyanatha Sarma.
Vratham & Kaapu
Both the groom and bride has vratham & kaapu; but the girl has no fire ritual.
The groom has finished his education and come home. He seeks permission from his first guru - his father, to enter Grihastashrama ; blessings of the pitru for begetting future generations which would keep the 'vamsham' (future generations through male progeny) going.
The 'kaapu' or protective thread is tied around the wrist of the bride and groom.
Both the bride and groom are protected from evil spirits and any untoward happenings by tying this 'kaapu'.
Groom and his father and mother.
Notice how my mother-in-law is taking part in the ritual with the dharba grass touching her husband's shoulder.
During the Vratham, the boy's eye is tied. Karthik Vadhyar explained that once the upanayanam is done, the child leaves home to his gurukula. During his education, he is not given good food, has no contact with females and does not really know the ways of the 'normal' world.
When he was ready to come home, he used to be brought from the gurukula with his eyes tied. Once the vratham is done, his eyes used to be opened and he first sees 'unni appam' (traditional sweet).
This is his first induction into Grihastashrama.
Paligai
Both the bride and the groom have Paligai.
Nava Dhaanya or 9 varieties of seeds are soaked in water + milk. These are planted in 5 small earthern pots by Sumangali stree (married (non-widowed) women) of both sides of the family. These are specially taken care of and watered every day. These sprouts are later placed in water bodies. These sprouts are prayers for a long, happy, fruitful married life of the to-be-married couple.
My mother-in-law...Mrs.Rajam Ganapathy
My mother...Mrs.Radha Parameswaran. She was 39 years old!
These functions are all conducted in the morning prior to the marriage.
That evening, is the official engagement ceremony.
Januvasam
Janu = Knee
vasam = Cloth.
When the groom used to be at his gurukula, he used to be least bothered about his appearance. He would have unkempt hair, a fully grown beard, walk around in a single cloth which reaches his knee and have never seen a mirror.
Now that he is entering Grihastashrama, he changes his appearance.
"This is a new phenomenon. The boy had to have darshan in a temple after his kaapu, that is all", says Karthik Vadyaar.
The groom is taken to the nearby temple to have darshan. This is a way for the villagers (of yore) to see the groom and getting to know if he has a questionable character.
The groom is taken in an open jeep.....
...to tiruvambady temple.
On coming back he is received with honours.
My mother welcomes him.
My father does upacharam to him and his family. Seated on the right is my sisteri-in-law's husband, Mr.Rajkumar.
The bride is presented with her 'nischayathartha' sari by her sister-in-law.
My sister-in-law, mrs.Prema Rajkumar presents me with a sari.
Once she wears this and comes, the ceremony continues.
There is again an exchange of 'tamboola thattu' and the deal is sealed.
A repetition of the Nischayathartham conducted in the groom's house before.
The bride's father gets ashirvadoms from all elders.
And all rituals for the day are done.
There is a reception conducted nowadays after the nischayathartham.
Anup Shankar sings for my marriage.
The gaanamela can wait! There is so much to talk when cousins are around!
DAY 2
Kasi Yathra
A young boy goes to study in Gurukula as a Brahmachari. At the end
of his term, he can choose either to become a sanyasi (ascetic) or enter
Grihastashram (matrimony). Becoming an ascetic is much easier than the
tribulations of marriage, decides the groom.
The boy had finished his kaapu and vratam the day before. But, on the day of the marriage, the groom tries to escape from the worldly clutches.
As mentioned earlier, the grooms of yore, would still be 'eka vastra dhaari'...still in his Gurukula state of unkempt hair, beard and single cloth. This is "Paradesi kolam". He decides to run away to Kasi (Varanasi) to pursue higher studies.
This 'runner' is assured by the bride's father that he would offer his daughter to be his wife, to be his companion - one who would be with him through all the ups and downs of Grihasthashrama. And says his daughter would be by his side always as his 'sahadharmini'.
Then the groom relents. He is offered hot oil, hot water, payar podi (soap), shikakai powder (shampoo), comb and other toileteries, slippers, double dhothi.....by the bride's women folk ...athai, mami, amma. They announce their arrival with loud nadaswara music leading the way.
After this bath.....
He becomes a groom. He is no more a 'januvasi' or single cloth wearer. He has now been shaved, wears a double cloth as panchagajam and wears sandalwood paste on his forehead. He increases the number of strands in his Yagnopaveetha (Poonal / sacred thread) to 6.
Now this Paradesi kolam is replaced with a handsome groom fully attired, clean shaved walking out of the
Mandapam!
He is wearing his slippers, has taken his umbrella and his bamboo fan.
Grihasthashrama
is supposed to be the best of all the 4 ashramas as they are the people who
sustain the other three.
He is
carried into the Mandapam on a thottil or wooden crib by the maternal uncles.
Karthik Vadyaar says this is just a "sampradaya" (custom) prevalent in Kerala.
The
bride is readied and brought in front of the groom.
The bride and groom exchange garlands 3 times.
Each time the bride and groom are lifted and
held aloft by their maternal uncles. It looks like play but it has a significance as
with any iyer ritual.
If the couple ever fight and
they seek the help of their respective families, it is but natural to feel
'above' the other. In spite of that feeling, both of them must bow to each
other and always remember to give in as they both are one.
Next they are made to sit on an Oonjal - swing.
While they are seated on the swing, married ladies from both families wash the couple’s feet with milk and wipe it with the edges of their saris.
The women then circle coloured rice balls around them and
throw these balls in all directions to ward off the evil eyes.
They walk around the couple carrying auspicious things - 2 lighted lamp, pot filled with water, one vilakku made with red paste and another 'otta' vilakku on a plate.
The bride and the groom are given a mixture of milk and cut
bananas.
The groom touches the bride for the first time as he leads her to
the mandapam.
The
girl is asked to bring all her right hand finger tips together, so that her
hand looks like a unbloomed flower.
The groom is asked to hold this
'bloom'.
Karthik Vadyaar explains that in the 'pathrikai' or invitations the muhurtham is NOT the 'thali kettal', but the auspicious time of 'dhara varthu kodukkal' and 'pani grahanam'.
Pani = Hand. Grahanam = Becoming one.
So this ritual of holding the girls hand after the 'oonjal' is very new.
Once inside, the bride's father does Ganapathy Pooja and also a prayer to the god's for giving away his daughter - Kanyadhana Sankalpa.
He then washes the feet of the groom calling the latter MahaVishnu. This is called Vara
Pooja.
Next the Priests
read out loudly the ancestry of both the bride and the groom - 3 times. The
names of the grandfather, great grand father and great great grand father, with
the gothra etc are read out. This is called Pravaram.
Kanya Daanam
The girl is made
to sit on her father's lap. A ring of freshly cut rice-laden hay is used as a cushion. She is to be given away to the groom.
The bride holds some betel leaf, arecanut and a gold coin. Her hand is cradled by her father. His hand is on top of the groom's.
As the
mother pours water in a steady stream, the father slowly places his child's hand on the groom's. Her father has given her away
at this point.
This
ceremony is called ‘dhaarai vaarthu kodukkal’; as the mother is pouring the
water in a steady stream while the bride's hand is transferred to the groom's.
While
doing this the bride's father calls on the groom as Mahavishnu.
The
bride's gothram is now that of the groom's.
The
father of the bride again washes the feet of the groom and offers him gifts and
is given a sweet mixture of honey and curd.
Now
the happy groom starts the rituals.
The Bride and the groom, both do Ganapathy pooja and seek the god's blessing to proceed with their marriage.
The groom prays to all the Gods to help him lead a good life with this maiden and to
purify her mind and soul so that they lead a happy prosperous life and she begets good healthy children.
He places a thick
stick like a yoke on her head (Nokathadi) and places the gold "thaali" / mangal
sutra, she will wear on her neck for the rest of her life and prays to cleanse
her and himself of all sins and to lead a prosperous life.
This Nokathadi is representation of the yoke used in Bullock carts. Both the animals have to put in equal effort to pull the cart forward. Similarly, the bride and groom must put in equal, sustained effort to lead their life harmoniously in the right direction.
Is this why the bride is called Maatuponnu? :D
Then
the bride is given her 'koora podavai'. This is worn only by the married women.
Till now the bride was dressed in the way an unmarried woman would be. Now she
is about to attain the status of a married woman. The groom's sister
accompanies the bride and she wears the traditional 9 yards iyer dress for the
first time.
When the bride goes to dress, the Groom starts praying to Goddess Mahalakshmi. He invokes her to be present with his wife always. Mangalya Pooja is performed to the sacred pendants (Taali) which his wife will wear for the rest of her life.
This is then passed around the audience and their blessings are obtained.
Mangalya
Dharanam
The
bride is made to sit on her father's lap on the rice-laden hay cushion.
In the olden days, a big sack of grain used to be the seat! (Varakottai). It was a sign of prosperity (Abhivrithi).
She
sits facing east. The groom stands facing west looking at her.
The
groom ties the sacred yellow thread which has 2 gold pendants which are shaped
as per the groom's family tradition. One gold pendant is given by the girl's
side, the other by the groom's.
Elders
shower flowers and turmeric rice. Loud music or 'Ketti Melam' is played by the
nadaswaram at this time.
"Maangalyam
thanthunaanaena mama jeevitha haethunaa
Kanttae
bathnaami supahae sanjeeva sarasa satham:"
The
meaning is: "This yellow rope is managala suthram. This will help my
longevity. I shall now tie this thread on your neck. I pray you live happily
for a hundred years."
The
groom only ties one knot. The other 2 knots are tied by the groom's sister.
He
then ties a 'dharba' belt around her waist while praying to agni bhagavan.
Panigrahanam:
This is when he holds her by hand for the first time, actually!
He makes her sit beside him when he starts the poojas.
The
groom's sister puts the metti (silver toe ring) on both the second toes of the bride.
The groom holds the bride's right toe and
makes her take 7 steps.
In
each step he prays to different Gods to provide them with health, wealth and
prosperity.
This
is said to be a very important part of the marriage. By taking these 7 steps
together they are officially husband and wife for life.
"After crossing seven steps with me thus, you should become my friend. I too have become your friend now. I will never discord this friendship and you should not also do that. Let us be together always. Let us resolve to do things in life in the same manner and tread the same path. Let us lead a life by liking and loving each other, having good heart and thoughts, and enjoying the food and our strong points together. Let us have undivided opinions. We will perform the vrathas united. Let us have same and joint desires. If I am Sama veda; you will be Rig Veda. Let me be the Heaven; you be the Earth. Let me be the Shukla (Moon/sperm) and you be its wearer. Let me be the mind and you its spokesman (Vak). With these qualities, you be my follower. Oh! sweet tongued, come to me. Let us together get good (male) children and wealth."
He says this has been pose all through our married life!! Holding my feet!!😆
Following
this, the newly married couple do their first fire ritual. Lajahomam
For this they are
helped by the bride's brother. The bride's brother offers her puffed rice and her husband adds ghee to this and they offer it to Agni.
The lady is indirectly offering the Agni or fire
God through her husband what was given to her by her family. She takes his family as her own and prays for his long life. On his part he prays for perfect mental accord, safe travels through their life together and good children.
My kutty brother, Vinayak Parameswaran. He had to be found from the car park where he was playing cricket with his cousins!!
She is
made to stand on 'ammi kallu' or the grinding stone. She is reminded to be like
'asma' unperturbed by emotions and help her husband make right decisions.
This
is done thrice and each time they pray to Lord Agni for solid mind, protection
and prosperity.
At the end of this, in the olden times, aarathy used to be taken. Marriage was over. The rest of the functions used to be done after 4 days.
The agni / fire kindled for their marriage used to be taken to the home of the groom after a Pravesha Pooja was performed for the bride.
They would be shown the Arundati Nakshatra in the night.
And made to chew Betel leaf flavored with arecanut and lime. (Tamboola Chavanam)
For the next 4 days the newly weds used to attend to this fire ONLY.
On the 4th day, they Priest would visit them and do the rest of the function.
On the 4th night, there is a pooja to be performed before the bride and groom enter the nuptial chambers. Then the priest enters the quarters with them and does another pooja inside the chambers.
After the first night together, there is a pooja for the birth of good, healthy (male) child with long life. For this the groom touches the bride's nabhi (navel) and does homa.
Now, everything is done the same day.
Following this there are more prayers which will last a good 45 minutes to 1 hour. They pray together to different gods and use agni as their messenger.
It is supposed that the girl was under the care of 7 gods, before she marries her husband. Moon, Indira, Aswini devas, Agni (fire), wind (vayu) & Gandharvas.
When the girl is young she is calm like the moon. She is protected by the medicine gods - aswani kumars from all illness, from other shaktis by the king of gods (Indira) and her every breath is protected by the God of wind (Vayu). She becomes beautiful because of Gandharvas who also teach her to sing and dance and be graceful. she grows up and her body becomes desireable, because of Agni deva.
So, her husband prays to all these guardians. He thanks them and says he will protect her henceforth. He seeks their blessings to have a happy married life filled with prosperity and contentment. He also promises the girl that when he is pursuing the ultimate goal of Moksha, he will not forget her. He will see to it that she too attains Moksha.
The
bride and groom are given betel leaves with lime and arecanut to chew. Tamboola Chavanam.
Though
Arundathi star is seen at night only, it is now shown during daytime to
culminate the rituals early. Arundati is the wife of Sage Vasishta. She is regarded as the epitome of chastity, conjugal bliss and wifely devotion. Arundathi and Vasishta are 2 stars in the galaxy which circulate each other. They are shown to the newly married couple to signify that they always put the other as the centre of their universe.
There is a special prayer offered for begetting children. Usually a male child is placed on the lap of the bride as part of the ceremony.
Also a
ritual which used to be done after the nuptials is done during the marriage, touching the bride's chest and thighs.
This ritual is for begetting good healthy children especially male children.
At the
end of all these rituals the Dharba grass which was tied around her waist is removed.
Now
the couple seek the blessings of all the elders and gift the brahmins who have
helped in conducting their marriage.
On the side, there is an exchange of gifts by both families.
Then the couple accept gifts from all those present especially the close aunts and uncles or athai, paati, thatha, mama, mami, periamma, periappa, chithi & chitappa.
Last aarathy is taken.
My sister (Mrs.Leena Balu) and his sister take our aarathy.
The newly weds next visit the house of the bride and groom to be treated with 'paalum pazhavum' or minced banana mixed with milk.
After
lunch, there is a fun filled Nalangu.
It is
a teasing ritual.
The
bride invites the groom to play with her. through play they get to know each
other better. He offers her a fist full of rice and asks if she would cook for
him? They sing songs and try to dress up each other...etc..
I am a good wife. I did not break the poppadoms on his head.
He broke the poppadom on my head. 😑
Then
it is time for the bride to leave her
home to her new home.
😞
She is
welcomed there by her new family.
What a grand pose!! 😆
Thus
ends the ceremony, but this is just the beginning of life for the young couple.
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Following
this, the next day, sumangali prarthanai is performed in the house of the groom
to induct the new bride as a member of the groom's family.
Some families
also perform Vilakku pooja to pay their obeisance to Lord Maha Vishnu and his
consort Maha Lakshmi.
Shubham.
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